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Never again in 2010
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As anyone knows who’s seen me maniacally cleaning out my office any given December, I’m a strong believer in using the new year for new beginnings.

So in that spirit — and in the spirit of this week’s special Savannah Year in Review issue (which includes a roundup story on New Year’s Eve concerts) – here’s my list of things I don’t want to see or hear again in 2010:

Saying phone numbers super fast. It’s all the rage among the kewl kidz to blurt out their cell number in the same time it takes for an electron to orbit an atomic nucleus. Unfortunately, the human brain cannot process information in a tiny fraction of a nanosecond. Slow. Down. You’re a hipster — how busy can you be?

Ruining ‘I’m Shipping Up to Boston.’ Yes, the Dropkick Murphys are possibly the best active American band. Yes, the scene in The Departed where their “I’m Shipping Up to Boston” plays in the background is one of the coolest scenes in one of the coolest movies ever. No, that doesn’t mean every televised sporting event in New England should use it as a lead-in.

Fake Libertarians. Most of my Republican Facebook friends have changed their profiles to read “Libertarian.” Some of them apparently never heard of that Bush fellow, nor did they vote for him twice, enthusiastically. Come out of the closet, guys, and be true to yourselves! Besides, we all know the real definition of a Libertarian: A Republican who smokes weed.

Fake Apologies: Saying you’re “sorry if anyone was offended” isn’t an apology, it’s a passive/aggressive copout that makes things worse.

Evolution vs. Religion. For my devout friends who say the theory of evolution is counter to God’s plan, I have a riddle: If God is as all–powerful and all–knowing as you say He is — and I don’t disagree — then isn’t He capable of creating a world in which evolution exists and operates according to His plan? Conversely, if He is incapable of creating a world in which evolution exists and operates, then He is neither all–powerful nor all–knowing, correct? I’ve posed this conundrum to many religious people whom I respect over the years, and have yet to get a single cogent answer. Still waiting if anyone wants to take a shot. Until then, maybe we should give it a rest?

‘Under the bus.’ This year’s answer to “at the end of the day,” i.e., a mindlessly repeated stock phrase which lost its meaning with overuse. “Throwing someone under the bus” means letting someone else take the blame so that you can get ahead. It does not mean “disagree with” or “argue with.” Let’s throw “under the bus” under the bus!

Hanging everything you own on a lanyard around your neck while wearing pants with huge pockets. Fashion is weird.

Deer hunting on TV. I’m not anti–hunting. But you can’t channel–surf anymore without seeing a couple of white dudes in camo riddling Bambi with bullets or arrows or both. I’m OK with venison and I’m OK with Full Metal Jacket, but not both at the same time. Just call in an airstrike and be done with it and let me watch some football.

2012 hype. Who predicted the world would end in 2012? The Mayans — the same bunch who practiced human sacrifice, flattened their babies’ heads because they thought it looked good, invented the wheel but only used it on children’s toys, and destroyed their own civilization by deforesting the entire Yucatan peninsula. Not the most credible source.

Anonymity. It’s only fair that I have my name and photo plastered on all my opinions in the newspaper. But it’s definitely unfair that any nimrod on the internet can say any crazy thing they want about anybody and remain unknown and unaccountable. (Fair warning: I’m a pretty good detective and 2010 is my year for naming names.)

At the end of the day, that’s a pretty good starter list. I’m truly sorry if anyone was offended by anything I wrote — just don’t throw me under the bus. Happy New Year!